June+2013

=The Daily Oracle= //June 6th, 2013//

Life as we knew it has been restored. No need to fear! The Daily Oracle is here!

=**Has the Daily Oracle Come Back from Oblivion?**= Elizabeth Rose and Empress Maggie and Victoria Ayn B.

It appears so! The wonderful and once widely followed Daily Oracle news outlet has seemingly returned from oblivion. But will the writers and publishers be able to keep themselves from once again disappearing without a trace? Will they try harder to stay committed? Only time will give us the answers. Hopefully, the Daily Oracle will re-achieve its standing as a well loved news source and will continue to bring the most relevant and interesting news to its readers.

It appears that the Daily Oracle in fact has come back from Oblivion! It's trip there was waaaaay to long. WELCOME BACK DAILY ORACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The fantastic head of this marvelous paper, has even probably figured out how to allow the other writers to write on the other pages! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "I just can't believe that it's finally back! I'm so happy!!!!!" said Judith Humperdink as her eyes welled up with tears. "It's like I've been waiting my whole life for this one night," Chris Brown said in comment on this miraculous night when America's kinda favorite newspaper started back up.

It's been a long time coming, and everyone is excited, but the dedication needed for this to succeed is great, so prepare yourselves to be helpful or encouraging in any way possible! This means anything from as little as setting up a discussion on an article to baking a tray of brownies for anyone who writes something... anything.

=Town Matters=

Featuring an informative report by none other than Percy Weasley
 * Flimsy Cauldron Bottoms? A Worldwide Phenomenon That Will Rock Your World! **

Has your otherwise faithful cauldron bottom ever failed you and fallen through? Have you wasted hundreds of galleons on faulty cauldrons? If this has happened to you, read this informative report and learn more about this troubling phenomenon that is complicating the lives of millions.

A Report on Substandard Cauldrons from Overseas by Percy Weasley

Too Many Empresses in Town? And are half of them even Empresses?
By Victoria B.

Since 1998, when none other than Victoria Ayn was crowned by the Council of All (an astonishingly powerful group dedicated to the maintaining of the Universe, headed by Zeus, King Arthur, and Rassilon), it has been excepted not only world-wide but also space-wide that she is indeed the Empress of the Universe, the pride of her town.

However, now the 8th grade English teacher of a very small town has decided he has the power to grant Empressity and has placed it upon an unworthy known as Margaret O'Maggie. No one supports her or him in their endeavours to get people to bow down to her, yet they insist that she is the Empress [she is not].

Thus, Zeus, along with a few of his colleagues, the memorable ones including J. K. Rowling and Cassandra, have not only decided that O'Maggie is now obsolete, but have also released a commandment for her and her scary teacher to be pushed out of this town, effective immediately.

"Victoria was born before O'Maggie; she was declared Empress before O'Maggie; she lived in this town before O'Maggie; she was declared Empress by an actually valid source, unlike O'Maggie; all around, it's clear who's the winner here," says Sir Walter Scott, calmly and forcibly. "I know all about royalty and such, and I can see who actually is (V) and who actually isn't (O'M)."

Victoria offered no statement on this except that she'd love for O'Maggie to stay if only O'Maggie could introspectively realize that there is not true Empress in herself.

Addition to Above Article
By Linda Laura Laupa

There is also one other individual that resides in the town of Littleton that claims the title of empress. This individual's claim to fame is even more insubstantial, for she was crowned by no one other than herself. The title she so generously bestowed upon herself is "Elizabeth Rose, High Empress of Everything", and wherever she traverses, she loudly tells anyone who will [or won't (she doesn't care)] listen that her title "obviously trumps all others because the domain of 'everything' obviously encompasses everything much better than the domain of 'universe' does." She is very confident in her supremacy and continues to try to convince all others of it.

She only recognizes Victoria Ayn as an opponent but disregards Margaret O'Maggie entirely. Victoria is slightly pleased by this. Margaret is obviously not.

The town of Littleton has come a long way and is far beyond accepting self appointed supreme rulers, but Elizabeth Rose has yet to draw tangible opposition. Whilst Margaret has drawn negative attention to herself, and a commandment ordering her pushed out of the town along with her scary English teacher has been issued, Elizabeth has had no one act against her in a substantial way [yet]. However, it seems something of the sort will be issued if she continues imposing her rule on those who do not want it.



Drama at the Daily Oracle Re-Opening Party
By Jane Berk

The Daily Oracle Re-Opening party was a great hit among "everyone who's anyone," as says the delightful Pink, who not only attended, but brought cupcakes. The party ran very smoothly considering the 500+ guests, except for one little hitch which was only discovered after the party.

Apparently, one of the heads of the Daily Oracle (who shall not be named--but suffice it to say, she's the best one) complained about the presence of Chris Brown, American recording artist and dancer.

"I don't like that he's here," this one person was overheard saying to a confidant. "I //really// don't like how intent [another one of the heads] looks in interviewing him for the opening article."

The following exchange occurred between the D.O. writer and Chris Brown later.

"Wha donchoh wamme heya?" [His muffled speak is a bit hard to understand.]

"It's only because of your top hit," said the writer, following up with merely saying the name "Rihanna."

After that, Mr. Brown stormed off and the writer appeared incredibly cross.

"He'd better not be put in the re-opening article," she had said to the confidant.

Obituaries
By Victoria Ayn B. and Jane Berk


 * The Penultimate Beatle**

The news of the death of Paul McCartney, the left handed bassist of the rock band "The Beatles," has shocked and shaken us all, for we all assumed him dead prior to this.

Clear evidence proved his death after a horrific car crash in January of 1967. After Paul's (newly questioned) death, he was reported to have been replaced by a similar looking substitute whose original name is unknown. If this were not enough, the three remaining original members if the band insisted on putting encoded messages into their songs, saying "Paul is dead" and "I buried Paul," messages for the worthy fans of the band to catch onto. If this wasn't enough, the famous picture of the band on Abbey Road is clearly in actuality a funeral procession.



However, the new death report seems quite legit as even Mr. President has declared it so.

//THE DAILY ORACLE HAS SINCE BEEN ALERTED THAT THIS NEW DEATH REPORT MAY BE FALSE. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WITH THIS GUY. //

**Weather of the Moment**
By Elizabeth Rose

Area: Littleton, Massachusetts Date: 6/8/13 Rain

And as Karen's breasts would tell her, "There is a 30% chance that it is already raining."

What an intelligent observation.

Standardized Testing and Mid-Year and Final Exams Cause Child Hysteria. But Why Has Nothing Been Done About It?
by Linda Laura Laupa

Across the globe, thoughts of standardized testing and mid-year and final exams strike fear into the hearts and minds of innocent school children. Stories of cases of fainting and episodes of nervous shock circulate, though they are quickly hushed up. The secrecy of the seriousness of the impacts of these testing methods causes a more subtle kind of fear and ultimately is effective to subdue the qualms and worries of parents.

How is this happening? How could parents love their children so much and yet fail to investigate further the terrible happenings that terrify their children beyond belief? What is this power that holds sway over the minds of millions of adults?

A qualified official who was open for questioning on this subject was difficult to find, but one was found eventually. The official has requested to remain anonymous. Although this official stated he was open for questioning, he did not give the satisfactory answers that we were looking for.

All he would testify to was this one statement. "You are witnessing the effects of brainwashing."

After this brief statement, he promptly hung up, for we had contacted him through a cellular device. "Brainwashing?!" This was the only reaction of our analysts. How could the minds of millions of adults across the world all be affected by the influence of brainwashing? But as time went on, and more thought was put into the subject and field of brainwashing, it seemed to fit in perfectly. In fact, it began to seem like the only possible solution. How else could such a large scale endeavor like subduing the minds of millions of adults be pulled off?

"Brainwashing fits the quota like nobody's business!" is the statement they could not stop repeating. And they literally could not stop repeating it. They kept reiterating the line over and over and over again. Finally, all of our analysts were admitted to a mental hospital, and no one has heard anything from them since.

That was the turning point. Based on this evidence, brainwashing is definitely taking place. All the signs lead to it. Brainwashing would cause parents' refusal to investigate the source of their children's fears and the insanity of people who had figured out that there is brainwashing happening all over the world. It's the only answer.

Do not worry about me or any of my team. We are in a secure location and are not liable to be affected by brainwashing.

Think about it. What are your conclusions?


 * VERY IMPORTANT: AFTER READING THIS, PUT THIS UP WHERE YOU WILL SEE IT EVERYDAY. IF YOU ARE READING THIS ONLINE, PRINT OUT THIS ARTICLE AND PUT IT IN SAID AREA. DO NOT LET THEM DECEIVE YOU. REMAIN ALERT. WE MAY HAVE A WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY ON OUR HANDS. AGAIN, REMAINING ALERT AND AWARE IS REALLY ALL THAT CAN SAVE YOU.*

=And Then There Were None:=

//A brief summary of the epilogue//
**__WARNING: Spoiler Alert__**

Why is it that no one seems to read the epilogues these days? They read all of the other chapters, but when it's time to read the wrap-up that explains the question that you've been asking yourself throughout the entire book, they just skip it. A certain editor and self-proclaimed Empress is currently being put on probation from being listened to and is being dethroned because she/he decided just to skip the epilogue of "And Then There Were None". She/he is an utter disgrace to the world of book nerds.

So what is this epilogue about? First we'll have to explain the actual book. The whole book is based on the premise that 10 people, who had all committed murders that were untouchable by the law, had all been invited by a mysterious guest to a place called Indian Island. As these people slowly start dying in strange ways that match up with a poem in each of their bedrooms, it's clear that one of them is the murderer. Eventually, there are only two victims left. Because both think that the other is the murderer, one of them (a woman named Vera) kills the other (a man named Blore). ** Actually, she kills Lombard, not Blore. Remember that Lombard and Vera Claythorne find the body of Dr. Armstrong together, and when they realize, or think they realize, that they are the only two left, they believe that the other is the murderer. Vera steals Lombard's revolver and shoots him in the chest. When she goes back to the house, she finds Blore sprawled outside with a bashed in skull. Justice Wargrave was the one to drop the marble clock shaped like a bear on his head from up in Vera's window. When you are trying to correct someone, it is best to be entirely accurate. **By now, we are certain that Vera was the one who killed everyone, but when she returns to her room, we find that she was not. Vera's room is perfectly set up for her hanging, and it hadn't been like that before. Consumed by guilt, she hangs herself.

But who set up Vera's hanging? Wouldn't the need to know this just consume the reader? If the reader hadn't seen the epilogue, wouldn't she/he have Googled it to see what happen next? Maybe then she/he would find that, in fact, there is an epilogue, and she/he would have read that. But no! Our disgraceful editor did no such thing, and she even dared to argue with me about it.

__In the epilogue,__ we find out who the killer was. Judge Wargrave had always been fascinated by murder, and although he loved committing ** I would use the word condemning here. ** those who had done it, he had always longed to commit a perfect unsolvable murder. (Or 11, I suppose that works, too). He had gathered up all of these people who had each committed a murder, but couldn't be touched by the law. Slowly, he killed off each one, but wait! Didn't he die, too? We are lead to believe that he did, but __those of us who didn't read the epilogue__ are wrong. The judge convinced Doctor Armstrong that in order to trick the actual murderer, they would have to lead the others to believe that the Judge had been shot. That night the supposedly dead judge killed Doctor Armstrong and Lombard, so only Vera and Blore were left. ** Wrong again. Justice Wargrave kills Blore. Vera kills Lombard. See note in pink above for clarification. ** As he had predicted, they killed each other off. The judge then rigged a contraption that allowed him to shoot himself in the head without it looking like he had done it. When the police arrived, everyone was dead. It was the perfect, unsolvable murder(s).

We know all of this because the Judge simply couldn't go without taking credit. He wrote about all of this and threw it in a bottle for some random fisherman to find. = = =** *Notes in various colors of pink were added by Elizabeth Rose.* **= =** *Again, when trying to correct someone, it is best to be entirely accurate.* **=

__ **AND THAT'S EVERYTHING THAT YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU HAD READ THE** **EPILOGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!** __

Don't believe me? Check this out: [] or this: [] or this: []

or you could have just read the epilogue!!!!!!